The buffering period between my last post and now has been tremendously dark and emotional, yet magical and rewarding. I spent the last few months rediscovering who I was, what my divine purpose is and just how the hell did I end up here [in this space] anyway. The past few months have been full of tears, lessons, light, creativity and more importantly, love. Through time spent in solitude, alone with my own thoughts and feelings, I realized that one of the major factors of growth and the process that I was enduring was forgiveness...
We are human. We are flawed. We hurt and we hurt people. We victimize and play the victim. We are and either do all of this shit by nature or often by the curse of actions once done to us. I am everything described and then some; you are too. Maybe the description you fit has nothing to do with other people... maybe it has everything to do with yourself.
You ever do some shit and think about it later like "Why did I do that?" or "Why did I say that?" yeah, me too.
In the rapture of blaming everyone around me for how I felt on the inside, I got to a point where I was thinking, "Damn, I just don't feel like being this way anymore," and for me that meant a number of things:
1. I no longer felt like giving people the power or satisfaction to control my spirit
2. I no longer wanted to share my energy with people who solely appreciated the person they wanted me to be, but not who I truly was
3. I no longer felt like internalizing issues from the past and harboring ill energy just so I can be prepared to dish it out regardless of the situation
BUT in order for me to even get to this position, I had to acknowledge that these were factors that affected me and the fact that all of this affected me was an issue [no matter how hard I tried to pretend it wasn't] and the only way for me to heal was to acknowledge that it hurt me instead of putting on a front like many of us have been groomed to do.
As I started to think of the things that required acknowledgement, I realized that it was way deeper than what was on the surface. It was more than just forgiving the more recent people and situations. In fact, it was forgiving myself for trying to fit in not realizing I was made to stand out, it was forgiving the boys that so inconsistent that it caused me to be insecure, it was forgiving the lies told to me about what life would be like as an adult, it was forgiving my parents for their irresponsible actions, vices and abuse. It was allllll of that and some.
The Moral of this entry is this... In order to move forward with a positive life, you have to acknowledge your past and love yourself enough to forgive yourself. Love God enough to forgive the souls that have wronged you. Let. That. Sh*t. Go. And give it some TIME. I had to learn that forgiveness is not an overnight process. It's the shedding of layers you never knew existed. You deserve peace, and you deserve to shine your light in the darkest of places even if that means reflecting your light back into yourself. People are people; no more worthy of controlling you, no less worthy of forgiveness for their fuck-ups. And forgive yourself too, because you're human too and we all fuck up some time. :)
I'm back and I'm better... but still working on myself nonetheless. <3